Woodbury Bulletin - 02/25/2009
In my last column, I talked about “slow to anger, quick to listen.” It had advice for others as well as for myself.
The same week I submitted that article for publication, I was put to test by a difficult person in my work place.
I graduated from college in 1985. Since then, I have been through two graduate programs and various jobs. I have never had any memorable problems and conflicts with anyone in schools or workplaces. I think I get along with people well.
My response towards people who are difficult is to stay away from them.
So, even though there is a difficult person in my office since I started working there several years ago, and some former colleagues left jobs because of the unhealthy environment caused by that person, I was doing fine. I never felt targeted.
But it all changed last week.
Lately, I had some issues with that person. Because I thought what that person did or did not do was not good for effective business operation, for customer service and for team work, I reported the unprofessional conduct to my supervisor.
That resulted in big trouble for me. I could feel the heat coming afterwards.
A message was sent to everyone in my office about a minor error I made. It was not a big deal at all. It didn’t cause any problem and could be easily corrected.
Personally, I won’t act the way that person did. If I find someone made that kind of innocent mistake, I would simply tell him in private and ask him to fix it. I won’t broadcast it to everyone who has nothing to do with it.
But I was OK with what that person did, because I welcome others’ criticism and corrections. I like to know what I did wrong so I can do better. I like to take responsibilities for my actions and mistakes.
I don’t have a big ego and I have enough self-esteem. So I have no problem admitting my mistakes in public if necessary.
That person could report my errors to my supervisor, my supervisor’s supervisor, or the highest power in the organization; it won’t bother me so much.
But days later, that person sent another e-mail to everyone in my office reporting another, but similar kind of mistake I supposedly made. What angered me was the mistake she reported publicly didn’t actually happen. I had the facts to prove it.
When I confronted that person, she even lied to my face and denied the thing she did for which I could again find prove.
It was hard to not get angry when I was in that situation.
How could things like that happen? It was just unbelievable to me.
I know there are always difficult people in every organization. Otherwise there won’t be so many books or presentations on dealing with difficult people.
Now I finally experienced and realized how difficult people can be. I started to understand why people leave jobs because of difficult people and unhealthy work environment.
I also saw the limits of what an individual or organization can do.
In the private sector, it is much easier to fire someone who is difficult, incompetent and can’t do his job well.
But in the public sector, it seems like almost impossible to fire someone.
Some supervisors simply give in to difficult people and give up their efforts to fire difficult people, because it is too cumbersome. It is not worth of their time and efforts.
Not being able to reward good employees and discipline difficult employees efficiently and effectively is also a problem in the public sector.
In my case, I did let my supervisor and colleagues know what the truth was.
I did write a firm letter to that person stating clearly what happened and what was wrong. I said it was not acceptable to fabricate things about another person in the public.
I also requested a public apology from that person. So far it has not happened, which was not surprising to me.
But I felt good that I stood up for myself and set the boundaries. And I did all I could do in my power.
In the end, I just have to let it go.
I know difficult people are difficult for a reason.
I know I can’t do anything to change them or the situation. All I can change is my reaction and my attitude toward them.
I know harboring anger toward that difficult person does not do me any good. It will affect my mind, my health, my life in a negative way.
Taking the high road is really the only way to keep the peace I want. And having some compassion for that difficult person is what I should do.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Slow to anger, quick to listen
Woodbury Bulletin - 02/18/2009
Normally, I don’t hear from anyone after a column is published.
So I was surprised when my Jan. 28 column about school closing generated a few angry messages from readers.
I say “angry” because either those readers got angry after reading my column or they thought I was angry about the school closing.
I can’t speak for other people why they felt the way they did. But I want to say a few words to clear any possible misunderstanding.
First of all, I was not angry when the school was closed. I was not angry when I wrote that column. It was not my intention to express any anger at anyone or the school district.
If I was not clear with my intention or in my writing, if I used the wrong words and sounded angry, or if I was disrespectful or ungrateful and therefore offended anyone, I would like to apologize here.
Yes, I was surprised by the school closing.
Yes, I was in the minority camp of parents that did not like school closing.
Yes, I can get angry like everyone else.
But to get angry with school closing? Definitely no!
School closing is not something that can affect me so much emotionally to get me angry.
As I stated in the Jan. 28 column, I knew the decision to close school was “based on the best interests of the students and employees.”
I also said: “I understand different factors are taken into consideration. I admit I only see a few trees and not the forest or the whole picture.
I also understand that other parents may have different opinions about school closing. It is OK to have different points of view. We are all different and think differently.”
I was just sharing my own thoughts and personal preferences.
I didn’t say my point of view is better than others, or my way is a better way.
I welcome others to show me the forest or the whole picture, to share their point of view, but sending me angry comments was a little overboard to me.
For example, I was told that I was incapable of following the local news on my own.
I didn’t say I couldn’t follow the local news and therefore needed someone to tell me about severe weather conditions in advance.
I am a librarian with two masters degrees and my ability to find news and information is at least about average, if not above average.
During winter time, my kids are often driven to school instead of taking the bus, when it is cold.
Sometimes I wonder whether people really take the time to read what is said and whether they really understand what is said before making comments and judgments.
Personally, I like to ask questions and say things straight from my mind. I am not afraid of looking and being dumb. I like constructive criticism.
I always tell my colleagues to correct me if I do something wrong or to let me know if something could be done differently and better.
Last week, I had a meeting with an employee from a different office who expressed dissatisfaction with a monthly publication our office puts together. It was the first time I heard a negative comment about our publication.
So, I initiated the meeting to find out how we could improve our publication and do a better job.
People are usually very polite and say nice things to make others feel good. Or they don’t say anything even if they don’t like something. They keep to themselves for the fear of offending others.
Positive comments are nice, but they don’t offer much help for improvement.
On the other hand, negative comments, if offered in a constructive way, provide food for thought and opportunities for improvement. That’s why I was very grateful for that person’s negative and honest comments.
I think it is important to provide a safe environment for people to express their opinions, thoughts, and feelings.
Oftentimes, people just want to feel heard and validated.
People can disagree with each other, but share your opinions in a calm manner and don’t get angry because others have different opinions.
We need to be more open to different ideas and different points of view.
Sometimes there is no right or wrong. What is right or wrong in your mind depends on your family and cultural backgrounds, personal experiences and value systems.
We need to be more tolerant. Don’t be easily offended by someone who has a different point of view.
Sometimes people are so passionate about their own ideas and beliefs, they can’t tolerate others who are different.
We need to be good listeners.
Sometimes we jump into conclusions and judgment too fast and too early, before others can finish what they have to say or before we really understand what has been said.
We should try to find something good in what others say. Even if 99 percent of what is said is nonsense, there is still one percent left that might be good and could help us improve, to do a better job or to be a better person.
The thought that kept coming to my mind these last two weeks is the Bible verse, “slow to anger, quick to listen.”
This is what I remind myself and also want to tell my readers who got angry with my columns or might get angry with my future columns.
Normally, I don’t hear from anyone after a column is published.
So I was surprised when my Jan. 28 column about school closing generated a few angry messages from readers.
I say “angry” because either those readers got angry after reading my column or they thought I was angry about the school closing.
I can’t speak for other people why they felt the way they did. But I want to say a few words to clear any possible misunderstanding.
First of all, I was not angry when the school was closed. I was not angry when I wrote that column. It was not my intention to express any anger at anyone or the school district.
If I was not clear with my intention or in my writing, if I used the wrong words and sounded angry, or if I was disrespectful or ungrateful and therefore offended anyone, I would like to apologize here.
Yes, I was surprised by the school closing.
Yes, I was in the minority camp of parents that did not like school closing.
Yes, I can get angry like everyone else.
But to get angry with school closing? Definitely no!
School closing is not something that can affect me so much emotionally to get me angry.
As I stated in the Jan. 28 column, I knew the decision to close school was “based on the best interests of the students and employees.”
I also said: “I understand different factors are taken into consideration. I admit I only see a few trees and not the forest or the whole picture.
I also understand that other parents may have different opinions about school closing. It is OK to have different points of view. We are all different and think differently.”
I was just sharing my own thoughts and personal preferences.
I didn’t say my point of view is better than others, or my way is a better way.
I welcome others to show me the forest or the whole picture, to share their point of view, but sending me angry comments was a little overboard to me.
For example, I was told that I was incapable of following the local news on my own.
I didn’t say I couldn’t follow the local news and therefore needed someone to tell me about severe weather conditions in advance.
I am a librarian with two masters degrees and my ability to find news and information is at least about average, if not above average.
During winter time, my kids are often driven to school instead of taking the bus, when it is cold.
Sometimes I wonder whether people really take the time to read what is said and whether they really understand what is said before making comments and judgments.
Personally, I like to ask questions and say things straight from my mind. I am not afraid of looking and being dumb. I like constructive criticism.
I always tell my colleagues to correct me if I do something wrong or to let me know if something could be done differently and better.
Last week, I had a meeting with an employee from a different office who expressed dissatisfaction with a monthly publication our office puts together. It was the first time I heard a negative comment about our publication.
So, I initiated the meeting to find out how we could improve our publication and do a better job.
People are usually very polite and say nice things to make others feel good. Or they don’t say anything even if they don’t like something. They keep to themselves for the fear of offending others.
Positive comments are nice, but they don’t offer much help for improvement.
On the other hand, negative comments, if offered in a constructive way, provide food for thought and opportunities for improvement. That’s why I was very grateful for that person’s negative and honest comments.
I think it is important to provide a safe environment for people to express their opinions, thoughts, and feelings.
Oftentimes, people just want to feel heard and validated.
People can disagree with each other, but share your opinions in a calm manner and don’t get angry because others have different opinions.
We need to be more open to different ideas and different points of view.
Sometimes there is no right or wrong. What is right or wrong in your mind depends on your family and cultural backgrounds, personal experiences and value systems.
We need to be more tolerant. Don’t be easily offended by someone who has a different point of view.
Sometimes people are so passionate about their own ideas and beliefs, they can’t tolerate others who are different.
We need to be good listeners.
Sometimes we jump into conclusions and judgment too fast and too early, before others can finish what they have to say or before we really understand what has been said.
We should try to find something good in what others say. Even if 99 percent of what is said is nonsense, there is still one percent left that might be good and could help us improve, to do a better job or to be a better person.
The thought that kept coming to my mind these last two weeks is the Bible verse, “slow to anger, quick to listen.”
This is what I remind myself and also want to tell my readers who got angry with my columns or might get angry with my future columns.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Learning five love languages
Woodbury Bulletin - 02/11/2009
Have you ever read a book and liked it so much that you say to yourself, “I wish everyone would read this?”
This happens to me whenever I read a good book.
One such book I highly recommend to everyone is “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate” by Dr. Gary Chapman.
Chapman, a renowned author, speaker and marriage counselor, has more than thirty years of experience in marriage counseling. His books are widely popular.
Based on his work with thousands of people, Chapman comes to the conclusion that problems and unhappiness in marriage often have a simple root cause — we speak different love languages.
If couples don’t speak the same love language, they can’t communicate effectively. The result is miscommunication and misunderstanding and feelings of not being loved.
Chapman believes the need to feel loved is a basic human emotional need. At the heart of every human being is the desire to be loved and understood by another human being. However, what makes one person feel loved is not always the thing that makes another person feel loved.
In the field of linguistics, there are many different languages: English, German, Chinese, French, Italian, Spanish, etc.
Most people grow up learning and speaking a certain language which becomes our primary or native language. We are most comfortable speaking this language.
Naturally, if one person speaks only English and another speaks only Chinese, they can’t communicate with each other. At the very least their communication will be limited.
In the area of love, there are also different languages.
Chapman identifies five love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service and physical touch. They are five ways that people speak and understand love.
A language may have numerous dialects or variations. Similarly, within the five basic emotional love languages, there are many dialects.
If you like to use kind words and verbal compliments to express love, then your primary love language is words of affirmation.
If being together, doing things together, spending focused time together, having quality conversation with each other, and giving each other undivided attention is important to you, then your primary love language is quality time.
If you think giving and receiving gifts is the way to express love, then your primary love language is gifts.
If you feel most loved when your spouse does something for you and if you seek to please your spouse by serving her/him, then your primary love language is acts of service.
If holding hands, kissing, embracing and being intimate makes you feel loved, then your primary love language is physical touch.
As we grow up, we develop a primary emotional love language based on our unique psychological makeup and the environment. We will speak and understand one primary love language.
We often love our spouse the way we'd like to be loved, and so does our spouse love us the way they'd like to be love.
But husband and wife rarely speak the same primary love language. We become frustrated when our spouse doesn’t understand what we are communicating. We think we are expressing love, but the message doesn’t come through, because what we are speaking is like a foreign language to them.
If your love language is different than your spouse’s, then no matter how hard you try to express love, you will not understand how to love each other.
Chapman uses the concept of the emotional love tank. When our love tank is full, we feel secure and loved. But when our love tank is empty, we feel used and not loved.
If we want to fill our spouse’s love tank, to meet their emotional need for love, and to be effective communicators of love, we must be willing to learn their primary love language. If we want our spouse to feel the love we are trying to communicate, we must express it in their primary love language.
Once we meet our spouse’s emotional need and fill their love tank by speaking their primary love language, chances are they will reciprocate and speak our love language.
Chapman believes that learning and understanding the primary love language of yourself and your spouse is one of the keys to a loving relationship.
If you are interested in learning more about the five love language and discovering your and your spouse’s love language, if you long to improve your relationship with your spouse, your children, your parents, or your siblings, then you will benefit from reading the book.
You can find the book at the Washington County Library, local book stores or online.
The book will also make a great Valentine’s gift for your loved ones.
Have you ever read a book and liked it so much that you say to yourself, “I wish everyone would read this?”
This happens to me whenever I read a good book.
One such book I highly recommend to everyone is “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate” by Dr. Gary Chapman.
Chapman, a renowned author, speaker and marriage counselor, has more than thirty years of experience in marriage counseling. His books are widely popular.
Based on his work with thousands of people, Chapman comes to the conclusion that problems and unhappiness in marriage often have a simple root cause — we speak different love languages.
If couples don’t speak the same love language, they can’t communicate effectively. The result is miscommunication and misunderstanding and feelings of not being loved.
Chapman believes the need to feel loved is a basic human emotional need. At the heart of every human being is the desire to be loved and understood by another human being. However, what makes one person feel loved is not always the thing that makes another person feel loved.
In the field of linguistics, there are many different languages: English, German, Chinese, French, Italian, Spanish, etc.
Most people grow up learning and speaking a certain language which becomes our primary or native language. We are most comfortable speaking this language.
Naturally, if one person speaks only English and another speaks only Chinese, they can’t communicate with each other. At the very least their communication will be limited.
In the area of love, there are also different languages.
Chapman identifies five love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service and physical touch. They are five ways that people speak and understand love.
A language may have numerous dialects or variations. Similarly, within the five basic emotional love languages, there are many dialects.
If you like to use kind words and verbal compliments to express love, then your primary love language is words of affirmation.
If being together, doing things together, spending focused time together, having quality conversation with each other, and giving each other undivided attention is important to you, then your primary love language is quality time.
If you think giving and receiving gifts is the way to express love, then your primary love language is gifts.
If you feel most loved when your spouse does something for you and if you seek to please your spouse by serving her/him, then your primary love language is acts of service.
If holding hands, kissing, embracing and being intimate makes you feel loved, then your primary love language is physical touch.
As we grow up, we develop a primary emotional love language based on our unique psychological makeup and the environment. We will speak and understand one primary love language.
We often love our spouse the way we'd like to be loved, and so does our spouse love us the way they'd like to be love.
But husband and wife rarely speak the same primary love language. We become frustrated when our spouse doesn’t understand what we are communicating. We think we are expressing love, but the message doesn’t come through, because what we are speaking is like a foreign language to them.
If your love language is different than your spouse’s, then no matter how hard you try to express love, you will not understand how to love each other.
Chapman uses the concept of the emotional love tank. When our love tank is full, we feel secure and loved. But when our love tank is empty, we feel used and not loved.
If we want to fill our spouse’s love tank, to meet their emotional need for love, and to be effective communicators of love, we must be willing to learn their primary love language. If we want our spouse to feel the love we are trying to communicate, we must express it in their primary love language.
Once we meet our spouse’s emotional need and fill their love tank by speaking their primary love language, chances are they will reciprocate and speak our love language.
Chapman believes that learning and understanding the primary love language of yourself and your spouse is one of the keys to a loving relationship.
If you are interested in learning more about the five love language and discovering your and your spouse’s love language, if you long to improve your relationship with your spouse, your children, your parents, or your siblings, then you will benefit from reading the book.
You can find the book at the Washington County Library, local book stores or online.
The book will also make a great Valentine’s gift for your loved ones.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Raising good readers
Woodbury Bulletin - 02/04/2009
February is “I Love to Read Month,” a time designated to promote literacy and celebrate the joy of reading all across North America.
I love to read and write.
One of my goals as a parent is to raise my kids to be good readers, to instill in them the love of reading and writing and to pass my passion for the written word on to them.
I believe reading to our children and teaching them to read at a young age is one of the most important jobs parents have.
Reading is the most important subject kids should master as early as possible. It is the foundation for all other subjects and the key to the academic success.
Every kid should master the skill of reading.
Here are some ideas to help parents raise good readers.
Be a reader yourself
If you want your children to be good readers, you have to model the behavior. Be a role model and read yourself.
Make reading a regular part of your family life.
By seeing how much you enjoy reading, your children will learn to love reading, too.
Start early
It is never too early to start reading to your child.
When it comes to raising good readers, you can never start too early. I know parents who started reading to their babies before they were born.
Don’t wait until your child can sit or talk or starts school. Early education is important.
When my kids were toddlers, they got their own library cards so they could check out books in their own names. I read to them as much as I could.
Make reading time special
Reading should be a regular part of your daily life.
After dinner or before bedtime are often favorite times to read.
Have a quiet and comfortable spot to cuddle up and read together.
Making reading time special can help your child associate reading with feeling secure, relaxed and loved.
Read every day
Read to your child every day and continue reading together even after your child learns to read.
Many parents stop reading to their kids once they start school and learn to read themselves.
Experts suggest that we should continue reading to our kids even when they are independent readers.
Older children still enjoy listening to others read.
Be patient
Let your child read at his own pace. Let him read the same books again and again. Children love reading their favorite books repeatedly.
The first book my daughter could read on her own was “Tiny Goes to the Library” before she attended preschool. She checked out the book from the library several times and read it many times.
Visit a library regularly
Take your kids to the library regularly and let them explore the rich resources library has to offer. Let them pick their own books they like to read.
As they grow older and become good readers, give them guidance and suggestion of different reading options to broad their horizons.
Match their interests and reading levels
Help your kids find books that match their hobbies and interests. They are more likely to read books on subjects they are interested in.
The books should also match their reading levels.
If the books are too difficult, they will not finish. Too easy, they might get bored. The books should be challenging but not impossible to read.
I think, generally speaking, girls read more than boys.
It’s more challenging to motivate boys to read. They like to read books full of adventures, with more and action. They prefer sports, adventures, science fiction and fantasy books.
Librarians are good resources to consult if you need help with selecting the appropriate books for your kids.
Read widely
Someone once said fiction is for the heart and non-fiction is for the mind. This maybe a simplistic statement, but I think there is some truth in it.
Most kids like to read fiction. My daughter likes to read fiction all the time while I prefer non-fiction.
I try to make her read some non-fiction as well, such as biographies, in order to get some balance of the heart and mind.
Give books as presents
Instead of buying toys and games, give your kids books for birthday and holidays. Take them to the bookstore to choose books they like.
I am happy to say that both my son and daughter love to read, especially my daughter.
Every day when she comes home after school, she reads. She can sit quietly and read for an hour or more. Reading is one of the few things I don’t have to ask her to do, but she does it on her own.
When I ask my kids to stop reading to do something else, they often say: “One more minute,” or “I’ll finish the chapter,” which often means finishing the whole book.
I know they have already found the joy of reading.
A world of adventures and wonders await those who can read and enjoy reading.
February is “I Love to Read Month,” a time designated to promote literacy and celebrate the joy of reading all across North America.
I love to read and write.
One of my goals as a parent is to raise my kids to be good readers, to instill in them the love of reading and writing and to pass my passion for the written word on to them.
I believe reading to our children and teaching them to read at a young age is one of the most important jobs parents have.
Reading is the most important subject kids should master as early as possible. It is the foundation for all other subjects and the key to the academic success.
Every kid should master the skill of reading.
Here are some ideas to help parents raise good readers.
Be a reader yourself
If you want your children to be good readers, you have to model the behavior. Be a role model and read yourself.
Make reading a regular part of your family life.
By seeing how much you enjoy reading, your children will learn to love reading, too.
Start early
It is never too early to start reading to your child.
When it comes to raising good readers, you can never start too early. I know parents who started reading to their babies before they were born.
Don’t wait until your child can sit or talk or starts school. Early education is important.
When my kids were toddlers, they got their own library cards so they could check out books in their own names. I read to them as much as I could.
Make reading time special
Reading should be a regular part of your daily life.
After dinner or before bedtime are often favorite times to read.
Have a quiet and comfortable spot to cuddle up and read together.
Making reading time special can help your child associate reading with feeling secure, relaxed and loved.
Read every day
Read to your child every day and continue reading together even after your child learns to read.
Many parents stop reading to their kids once they start school and learn to read themselves.
Experts suggest that we should continue reading to our kids even when they are independent readers.
Older children still enjoy listening to others read.
Be patient
Let your child read at his own pace. Let him read the same books again and again. Children love reading their favorite books repeatedly.
The first book my daughter could read on her own was “Tiny Goes to the Library” before she attended preschool. She checked out the book from the library several times and read it many times.
Visit a library regularly
Take your kids to the library regularly and let them explore the rich resources library has to offer. Let them pick their own books they like to read.
As they grow older and become good readers, give them guidance and suggestion of different reading options to broad their horizons.
Match their interests and reading levels
Help your kids find books that match their hobbies and interests. They are more likely to read books on subjects they are interested in.
The books should also match their reading levels.
If the books are too difficult, they will not finish. Too easy, they might get bored. The books should be challenging but not impossible to read.
I think, generally speaking, girls read more than boys.
It’s more challenging to motivate boys to read. They like to read books full of adventures, with more and action. They prefer sports, adventures, science fiction and fantasy books.
Librarians are good resources to consult if you need help with selecting the appropriate books for your kids.
Read widely
Someone once said fiction is for the heart and non-fiction is for the mind. This maybe a simplistic statement, but I think there is some truth in it.
Most kids like to read fiction. My daughter likes to read fiction all the time while I prefer non-fiction.
I try to make her read some non-fiction as well, such as biographies, in order to get some balance of the heart and mind.
Give books as presents
Instead of buying toys and games, give your kids books for birthday and holidays. Take them to the bookstore to choose books they like.
I am happy to say that both my son and daughter love to read, especially my daughter.
Every day when she comes home after school, she reads. She can sit quietly and read for an hour or more. Reading is one of the few things I don’t have to ask her to do, but she does it on her own.
When I ask my kids to stop reading to do something else, they often say: “One more minute,” or “I’ll finish the chapter,” which often means finishing the whole book.
I know they have already found the joy of reading.
A world of adventures and wonders await those who can read and enjoy reading.
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